The Second Half

This Astronaut Love Triangle thing is absolutely the story of the year and we are barely over a month into the year.....from my fave Sports Talk Radio man - Steve Czaban:

For starters, we might just as well retire the yearly trophy for “Most F’d Up News Story of the Year” with the female diaper-astronaut-love-triangle-abduction story. Sit me down with a 12-pack, some weed, the entire writing staff from Conan, and give me 2 full days – and I STILL don’t come up with a story this good.
I just like how the incredible elements of it all just POP out as hilariously INSANE.
1. Astronaut
2. Diapers
3. 900 Mile drive
4. Pepper spray
5. Rubber tubing
6. A metal mallet
7. Buck knife
8. Wig
9. Trenchcoat
10. BB Gun
11. Latex gloves
12. Emails
You know, it’s always the f’in EMAILS! Always! Nothing causes more harm, mayhem, lost jobs, embarrassment, trouble, and hurt feelings than EMAIL! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: email will someday KILL us all.
Don’t know exactly how, or when, but it will. Trust me. Nothing wastes time, infects our computers, mis-represents true intentions, gets us fired, or allows our loved ones to catch us cheating more than E-F’ING-MAIL!
And yet, it sure is a great way to forward porn. So I’m still torn just a bit…
Anyhow… back to crazy-ass “Nelly” Armstrong.
My first thought was: “Wow. A woman! Go figure…. (snirk… ) Who would have thought?”
Now, I’m not saying men don’t do amazingly stupid stuff just because our penis told us to (see “Salisbury, Sean” and “cell phone”). Oh no. We do. We’re morons. Simple celled, throbbing sex-hounds until the day we die, or have to chew our Viagra one tablet at a time.
It’s just that most men do things very IMPULSIVELY. If we have the chance, we’ll do it. We’re all about opportunity, not scheme. Women? Oh… THEY scheme! Like a Buddy Ryan coached defense… they scheme.
What women won’t like about this story, is that some sexist male pigs (ahem… but not ME per se) will point out that no matter how smart, accomplished or “responsible” a woman might be, there is still a nuclear reactor core in every unit of your species that is prone to have an occasional WILD meltdown of emotions.
Remember: this was AN ASTRONAUT! The smarts this girl has in her pinky, I don’t have in my whole body.
Yet, when it comes to a MAN, she decides it’s time to pack up the pampers and hotfoot it to Orlando for a little revenge kidnapping.
WTF!
In other words, all along that 900 mile drive, NOT ONCE does her “astronaut brain” say to her “woman brain”: “Whoa…. Baby. What ARE we doing here? It’s just a penis!”
We’re talking at LEAST 14 hours of sitting in a diaper full of your own stank to sort of weigh out the pros and cons. And the “CONS” of the whole scheme, never even got a chance to stand up on the floor of the house to make an argument!
Incredible!
It really should send a chill down most men’s spines, because it is a window into the operational focus of a woman pissed off. Do not – REPEAT – do NOT make them angry. As Bill Bixby once warned: “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
Still… I have questions. Soooo many questions…
1. She’s a half decent looking gal, and she’s in a whole ORGANIZATION full of nerdlingers at NASA. Play the field honey, play the field.
2. Unless she had reserve tanks of gas jerry-rigged in her trunk (and hey, she’s an astronaut, so I’m NOT ruling it out) she would still have had to stop for gas. Why not pee then? And did she CHANGE her astro-diaper while at the Stuckeys?
3. Confused about the rubber tubing. Wouldn’t seem to make for very good “rope” to tie somebody up with. Explain.
4. This diaper thing again. I now know astronauts wear them on launch and landing. Why? Don’t want big brown stains on those clean orange jump suits? Does the re-introduction of gravity upon landing, pull that mud right outta ya? When it comes to talking about “The Duece”, I never get bored with it. Talk to me girl.
5. How come NASA hasn’t canned her already? I mean, like you’ll put her up in space ever again? Please. Good thing her “plan” wasn’t to crash the shuttle into this woman’s house. Don’t laugh. We’re talking outer-orbit CRAZY here.
6. Did she watch Apollo 13 before she left to get herself “psyched up” for the kidnapping, like the way Ray Lewis watches “Gladiator” before every game? Did she say to herself just before pulling into Orlando: “Gentlemen, I believe this is going to be our finest hour.”